Fear

Fear is something I’ve dealt with all my life like everyone else in the world. Fear of failure, taking the next step, losing a family member/ friend, not being enough, and the lists goes on and on.

Since, our son regressed into autism I’ve had a lot of fear. Our boy went from a bubbly personality to screaming in pain. Being a momma’s boy to not acknowledging I existed.

I have a video of Kellan screaming while rolling his body at a very quick speed and sometimes throwing his head back thankfully on a soft part of our couch and not the hard floor. He wouldn’t let me touch him. It truly looks like there was something that took over his body, but it was a part of our everyday life until we had test done to help.

Just to let you know he is a momma’s boy and enjoys life again. Still hasn’t gain speech back but our boy is HAPPY. We are peeling back the layers that controlled him for so long. We went from a diagnosis that would have been extremely severe autism to moderate in a year time and I think that’s stinking amazing.

Now to the point of this blog.

Lately, on the news I have read multiple stories of teachers and helpers at schools physically kicking children with autism while they are on the ground. Tying children up face down ultimately killing them. Dragging them down stairs.

People who are supposed to be trained. If that doesn’t put fear in you, I don’t know what does, but my list consists of more than just this… it just triggers my fears when these stories pop up.

My fear list for Kellan:

* What if he is in the care of someone else still non-verbal and horribly mistreated?

* What if we never hear sweet Kellan’s voice again?

* What if he gets bullied and beat up for being different?

* What if he never gets to experience a real relationship/ friendship?

* What if he regressed again to living in agony?

* what’s going to happen to Kellan if we are long gone?

* What if we lose our friends in this journey?

Some people think I am a pretty positive person 99% of the time, but those are the human thoughts I’ve had. It’s been a choice to think of this next list I’ve created in my mind. Even if, people look at me crazy.

The positive list:

* What if he is transformed by the help of someone he is in care of?

* What if Kellan’s speech does come back, and he becomes a professional speaker?

* What if Kellan stands up for his peers and himself?

* What if he is a social butterfly and has more friends than I ever had? Or gets married and has children?

* What if he continued to heal and blow people away with his progress?

* What if when we are long gone he has a life of his own already created?

* What if our friends are transformed by our journey, and we meet the most amazing friends along the way?

Yeah… tears are rolling down my eyes as I type this. The hope I hold on to that I put in cement so no one can try to take it away from me. Am I crazy? No. I know reality. Unfortunately I’ve gotten some big reality checks in life, but I always hold on to hope in every situation.

Even if, Kellan never talks again or any of the other fears arise we will do everything in our power to help give Kellan the best life. No one is more obsessed with our boy than us. His big sister gushes over him everyday.

Of course fear WILL creep into our lives, but I am holding on to hope even if no one likes it or thinks I am crazy.

I don’t know what God’s purpose is for Kellan, but I know it’s not for harm but for good, hope, and a future!

The video below is a video I watched at the beginning of our journey and I knew this was the kind of mom I wanted to be for our sweet boy. The love and appreciation this grown man (Kerry Magro) has for his mother is so greatly expressed.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=fV6p6ANCTF4